Reminding Myself

Just a warning. This post may be long, but it's also deeply personal, and says many things that have been on and close to my heart the last few days.

Following my last blog post, Nate and I left for six days to go down to the University that he works at. On Friday his office mate was graduating and Nate was a part of the ceremony. From Monday-Wednesday, Nate needed to be there for presentations relating to the upcoming job market he will be attending, and on Wednesday he was lecturing all day. We decided to make a little get away out of it all for us, and it was. Friday we partied heartily, Saturday and Sunday Nate worked on his presentations and we slipped in some meals and walks and relaxation. It was nice to get away to a place with no Internet, and for me, no cooking for six days! ;-) We figured this was going to be the last time we got away just the two of us before she comes. A little mix of business with pleasure, but it was really enjoyable!

The graduate in the middle! Yay, Patrick!

Nate serenading me on a study break in Tilburg.

The ironic discovery we made was that once we arrived in Tilburg, my itching stopped. I have been battling a hives like rash over my body since the beginning of August and was recently diagnosed with PUPPPS, a condition that is rare, but related to pregnancy hormones, so we thought it was a little odd that my hormones would be out of commission just because we left home. lol. It was a blissful break but I was wondering and curious as we made our way back home if it was going to start back up again once we arrived in Zoetermeer. Maybe I'm allergic to home?! ;-)

We got back Wednesday night, and as I was laying on our bed checking on emails and such, all of the sudden I felt something crawling near me, and look down to see at least three little bugs crawling on our bed. I called Nate to come have a look, but I knew. I had researched them at the beginning of August because I thought, maybe that is where my welts were coming from? But there were no signs of them. But all of the sudden, they were EVERYWHERE. Bedbugs.

I can't even fully describe to you the emotions and thoughts that have been going on since last Wednesday. The initial horror, the relief that we know what is actually causing the itching, the fear of a greater infestation then our bedroom alone, the stress and anxiety cause baby girl comes in less than 30 days, not to mention the to do list for Nate's thesis, and we have a bug problem. What do we do? How do we even begin to get rid of them? What if they've spread? How do we know if they are gone? Do I really have to wash ALL our clothes and bedding, and mattresses, and...will I ever be able to comfortably SLEEP on my mattress and bed knowing what was crawling all over it?! Needless to say, the stress and the confusion was high, and the tears were many, as we were forced to our living room; Nate on the floor and I on the couch. Hoping they didn't follow us there.  Every spot on the floor or the wall became a possibility: is it? Is it not? We have to check it out!

For me the frustration was huge. This was my home. My room was my spot. To read, to relax. My home was my safe place, away from the confusing things that I don't understand, and the incoming cold weather. We have a baby coming! What if they don't leave before she gets here? I don't have time to deal with this! And I felt so helpless. Who do we call? Where do we begin? Does Nate have to be one to deal with all of this simply because I can't understand/communicate with the right people? Why does he always have to do everything? He has enough to do right now, he doesn't need this. What kind of wife am I if I can't even help my husband?

By Friday it all came to a head as our frustration mounted. I finally cried it all out, and we started to make a plan instead of just being frustrated at the situation and each other. Thursday we had contacted our apartment manager, and were told it wasn't their problem we needed to call the townhall. Friday, I went to my in-laws and I started making calls to the municipality, and thankfully they sent someone over that day. And the process began. Everything has to be washed at 120 degrees F. So all the clothes came down. Eleven garbage bags of clothes. Colonies of bugs were found on the bed. Nate and I restricted ourselves to the kitchen as the house was sprayed, and then we had to leave for awhile to let things settle. We dreaded going back to see the aftermath, but when we did, we slowly started to feel just a little bit more in control of the situation instead of prisoners in our living room hiding from bugs.

Saturday we had to make the decision to get rid of the bed. The mattresses were salvageable but I knew I could never sleep on that bed again. I have no idea when we will be moving back into our room. Probably not for a week or two as the poison does it's thing and we wait and see if we need to call our guy back for more spraying. In the meantime, I have laundry (!) and we have mattresses and that's good enough for now. Who knows when we can replace the bed, but we figure we are no worse off than when we got here, right?! lol.

On Saturday, I tried to sit down and process it all out in my journal, and I thought I would share them with you. Don't be fooled by the cheeriness.This has been frustrating. On both of us. But we have learned some things and that is always the goal right? So here goes (I've been reading through the Psalms and the passage for the day was 139; everything else sprung from there. Translation is the Message):

 "I look behind me and You’re there,
    then up ahead and You’re there, too—
    Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
    I can’t take it all in!" Psalm 139

"We take the good days from God—why not also the bad days?” Job 2


“I’ll make up for the years of the locust,
    the great locust devastation" Joel 2


"Remember every road that God led you on for those forty years in the wilderness, pushing you to your limits, testing you so that He would know what you were made of, whether you would keep His commandments or not. He put you through hard times. He made you go hungry. Then he fed you with manna, something neither you nor your parents knew anything about, so you would learn that men and women don’t live by bread only; we live by every word that comes from God’s mouth. Your clothes didn’t wear out and your feet didn’t blister those forty years. You learned deep in your heart that God disciplines you in the same ways a father disciplines his child....Make sure you don’t forget God, your God, by not keeping his commandments, his rules and regulations that I command you today. Make sure that when you eat and are satisfied, build pleasant houses and settle in, see your herds and flocks flourish and more and more money come in, watch your standard of living going up and up—make sure you don’t become so full of yourself and your things that you forget God, your God,

the God who delivered you from Egyptian slavery;
the God who led you through that huge and fearsome wilderness,
those desolate, arid badlands crawling with fiery snakes and scorpions;
the God who gave you water gushing from hard rock;
the God who gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never heard of, in order to give you a taste of the hard life, to test you so that you would be prepared to live well in the days ahead of you." Deuteronomy 8

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4

Thoughts: 

~ God's presence is always with us. Behind us, before us, and now. He never leaves us. We are not abandoned. 

~ God desires to give us life. Inside and out. 

~ God is faithful even when we are not. Those 40 years of wandering were the result of their own sin of unbelief. Yet God faithfully supplied each and every need that they had. 

~ God is disciplining us. Always. Not punishing. Disciplining, teaching, training. Shaping our hearts and minds toward Him. Most often through our circumstances. 

~ Goal of the training: that we will live well. 

~ Our good and bad circumstances should move us to: thankfulness, dependence, "a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for our good", prayer, Christ at the center of your lives, remembrance.

I'm thankful for these bedbugs. Not because I like them, or I like what they do. But because they are allowing me to deepen my understanding of God and who He is, so that hopefully regardless of the future, I can live well because I understand that God is always faithful, always good, and always working for our best. Good or bad times. 

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I'm still processing. When I think about it now, they seem so trivial. But in the moment, they weren't. Nate and I always tried to remind ourselves these past few days that our lives could be so much worse. And they could. We have been spared from a lot this year. Someone asked me Friday how I am dealing with all these life changes that have happened in less than a year. Marriage, move, baby, new job, the unknown. And I had a hard time putting into words how great it really has been, cause truthfully God has just been that good. Always taking care of everything we have asked. Not always in our time frame, but always answered. Everything. It's silly that bedbugs should be the thing that makes us question, why this, why now? This is bad timing!  But it was. And I want to do what Deuteronomy says I want to remember. I want to be thankful. So if anything this post is for me. But maybe it encourages you? I hope so. 

Oh, and P.S- In case you didn't hear, the health insurance came through. =)

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