It has been a good long while since I posted, and the truth of the matter is that I just didn't have much to say. It's not that things haven't been happening, or that we don't have news to share, I've just been going through one of those times in life where I am so busy taking in everything. Learning, reading, being silent and trying to catch this crazy learning curve.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately and this quote sums up the reason why:
"To move from feelings of desperation to delight requires that the eyes of your heart and the attitude that you express be ones that exemplify God's own heart and attitudes. We must come to accept and agree with scripture that 'children are a gift from the Lord', and that 'the fruit of the womb is a reward'. (Psalm 127:3). We must fit our heart to agree with God's heart." SM Hoover
I've began realizing in stages right around the time that Gioia was 3 weeks old till recently, that my heart wasn't quite as adjusted as it should be. My head could quote it all, but my heart was tired, frustrated, angry, and alone. I have never felt so alone ever. Nate has been such an amazing source of strength, comfort and help. But truthfully, he was trying to work two jobs, finish his Ph.D, do an international job market, and find a new job for the this fall. The man can only be so many things at so many times.
Gioia is an angel baby. When we were in the US we bought The Baby Whisperer and love it or hate it, it saved our lives. ;-) She started sleeping through the night at 3 months. She sleeps wonderfully. She eats anything. She plays happily all by herself. I look at my child and I think that we just can't do any better. I wanted a child like my husband and I got exactly what I asked for. The problem isn't Gioia, the problem is my heart. This has been a huge period of adjustment for me, and I didn't take the time to really understand or appreciate just how important it all really was. It's amazing how much preparation we did for marriage and how next to nil we did for parenting.
So for the past month or so I have been absorbing myself in books on being a mom, in an attempt to find inspiration, guidance, and hope. And a change in thinking. It's amazing how quickly my mind believes lies about myself, our children, and our family. I'm barely scratching the surface. But I'm finding a nice oasis, after many months of struggling.
A few books that I have been reading are:
Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle (for comedic relief)
Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae Hoover and Sally Clarkson
Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney
Spirit-led Parenting by Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer
A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George
And so I have been absorbing like a sponge...and I would love more ideas for books if you have any suggestions. I will say one of the things I am looking forward to most about Frankfurt is the mommy and women's studies at the local church we will be attending (in English!!). Oh, my heart misses the fellowship and the input so very much.
Speaking of Frankfurt, we will be moving in mid-August. We have found a home, a church, and Nate has signed his contract (Professor Vellekoop =) I'm just a little proud.)
A picture of our home We are renting the bottom floor. We were blessed to find a home within walking distance of everything (including church) for me, and close to the train for Nate who will have a 30 min commute from door to door:
Nate's new university:
And can I just say that Frankfurt has great shopping, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, multiple Indian restaurants and more. My little heart just can't contain the excitement.
The best news of all is baby #2, who came along just as my heart was beginning to absorb the truth of the blessings of children. And we are so very thankful. We had hoped our children would be close together and they will be, if all goes well.
And finally, Nate should be graduating in September with his Ph.D! And all people everywhere said, Amen!
We love you all. <3
You express your self and your heart beautifully Becky . Love you. Having raised 4 children myself; what you are going through is sooo completely normal. You can read a lot of great books, but some times...you just need to trust your heart, because all babies and kids are sooooo different and unique. The "Becoming" of a good Christian Momma (and wife) is a journey of great/horrible, rocky/smooth, lonely/happy, lost/enlightened experiences you will keep and ponder for an eternity! May God Graciously Bless you real good !! ")Love Marian
ReplyDeleteThanks Auntie! I think that was one of the first comforts of those books, the realization that I was 'normal'. lol. Thanks for your encouragment. We love you guys!
DeleteSweet Becky, Thanks for sharing your heart. You certainly have much to adjust to, especially with Baby #2 on the way and move in the near future. You are wise to realize that Nate cannot fulfill all your needs. That's a burden he doesn't need and an expectation on your part that should never be laid at his feet.
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget a time when I was still single but wishing it were otherwise. Virginia Caughell pulled me aside to share something. She had recently been in the hospital, and as a result she'd had some alone time. She reminded me that no matter how caring, loving, and devoted a husband was, there were times that he just couldn't "be there" for his wife. It was during those times that she realized just how previous our Savior truly is. He CAN be there 24/7, and He can comfort our hearts in ways our dear husbands only wish to do. He will never leave nor forsake us, and He truly understands our hearts and our needs as women. It is during these times of need that those truths make their way to the deepest parts of our hearts as never before--if you let them.
I've had dark times when I needed Him so much, but I foolishly turned to the fluff of the world to satisfy my heart. The times I turned to the Lord were the most precious. There is no substitute. Oh, that I would invite His ministry more faithfully.
Praying for you, sweet friend. You have ventured on an amazing journey. You are in the Best of Hands, and I'm sure Nate is taking good care of you, too.
On another note, the parenting reading is wonderful. Don't forget to still keep the marriage relationship as the first priority. That's not easy while pregnant and with an infant in your arms, but it's imperative.
Thanks for the advice! This whole thing is definitely a process, like all of life. ;-) It has really been a good opportunity for Nate and I to grow together and it's been a refining process for me. I'm really grateful for all of the advice and help out there for moms!
DeleteI miss you all very much, but am so thankful for the opportunity to "see" each other online! =)
Becky! Can I just copy and paste your first paragraph and use it in my long-overdue blog update? You've put into words EXACTLY what I've been thinking! :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are reading Feminine Appeal - I read that several years ago (before Jay was even on my radar!), and I'm due to read it again. I'm currently reading Abba's Child - a wonderful book about finding our identity in Christ and seeing ourselves as the Father sees us. Such a blessing! As far as child-rearing books... I know my parents loved Shepherding a Child's Heart, which is what I plan on reading (when time allows!).
Your new little house is so precious! How wonderful that it is in such a central location. I'm sooo glad that you will be able to have a church group that you can visit regularly. The Friday morning women's study at Fairhaven has been my lifesaver!
So excited for Baby #2! Any thoughts on whether it's a boy or girl?
Love you to all - please kiss Gioia for me!
Hey!! Borrow away! I'm looking forward to reading your blog post! =)
DeleteThe book sounds great, I will take a look at it. I am just finding it so important to do exactly that, see myself as God does and think about things as He does.
We are going to be team green for this one. We had wanted to do that for Gioia, but too many unknowns to want to wait! So this time we do it the Dutch way. ;-)